I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
