I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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