I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
