the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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