I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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