we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
