Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.