just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.