He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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