watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
