just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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