i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
