I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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