Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
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Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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