That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm at about main and main street
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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