hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
