When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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