The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
