After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
