Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Quick, to the slutcave!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
