after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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