Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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