Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
