I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize