eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
