Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
