I'm drive I can fine osifer
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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