The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
