I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
