you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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