I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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