Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
