I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My vagina is very pro this idea
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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