Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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