Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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