ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
