Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
