i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
