sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
