I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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