so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
