Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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