Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Can i not drive my cunt home
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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