I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
