youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
