He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
