Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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