good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
