dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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