i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
