closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
