A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
