well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Bring me that man meat
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
