he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
