remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
