just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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